turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
