Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
