When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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