I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
