Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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