i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
