i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
