first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
