I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
