like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
