so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
