That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
