If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
