Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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