WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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