Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
