you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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