My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
