just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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