I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
