cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
This baby is an asshole
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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