i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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