i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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