He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
