i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
