....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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