BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
