i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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