I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
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