$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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