I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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