the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
