Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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