im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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