Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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