I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
