put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
not ubering you a puppy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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