If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
