someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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