We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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