I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
