i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
