i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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