you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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