Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
