the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
