I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
