My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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