we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
