R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Buhtt sex?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
