seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
