shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
