Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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